Philadelphia, PA

Do you remember Jocelyn Kirsch? Yes, of course you do. You probably don’t remember Edward Anderton, the other dude in the Bonnie and Clyde of Identity Fraud case from last year.

One might think things are a little quiet on the Kirsch and Anderton front nowadays, but that didn’t stop British paper The Observer from doing a giant piece on ol’ B&C. By giant, I mean 4100 words! On Bonnie & Clyde!

Steeped in narcissism and privilege, fuelled by entitlement, theirs is truly an outlaw romance for the 21st century. The Philadelphia Daily News immediately dubbed the photogenic couple ‘Bonnie and Clyde’. It’s a name some people take exception to. ‘Bonnie and Clyde, that’s only because they’re young and good-looking,’ scoffs Detective Terry Sweeney of the Philadelphia police. ‘These two were complete idiots. If this was two fat fucks from South Philly, it would have been Turner and Hooch.’

Yeah, too bad the phrase was originally coined by a police source. Uh oh.

The article is full of unintentionally hilarious sentences. The first one here is the best:

- 22-year-old Jocelyn was a final-year student at nearby Drexel University, a big step down from Penn.
- Each year, Jocelyn also reinvented herself, swapping old friends for new ones, transforming from goth girl to Abercrombie prep to frisky cheerleader wannabe.
- While Jocelyn was fast becoming Drexel’s answer to Paris Hilton, a few blocks away at the University of Pennsylvania, Edward Kyle Anderton was winding down his college career in obscurity.
- He hadn’t always been so anonymous. He grew up in Everett, Washington, where he was a straight-A striver and a standout swimmer whom the Seattle Times once named ‘Star of the Month’.
- But at Penn, Ed was just one bright undergraduate among 10,000. Intimidated, he tried to assume the confident air of his Ivy League peers, but if he made any sort of impression, it was for the way he feigned good humour to mask something else. ‘His niceness didn’t seem that genuine,’ says a former classmate. ‘When you talked to him, there was a disconnect. He was a bit fake.’
- At a gathering of family and friends, Jocelyn refused to play their board games, choosing to sit at Ed’s elbow, sipping wine while everyone else drank soda, her blouse undone a few buttons too many, her face arranged in a careful, lipsticked smile.
- ‘Hi, my name is Jocelyn Kirsch,’ she introduced herself, as the crowd and Britain’s heir to the throne looked on. ‘I’m originally from Vilnius, Lithuania.’ She went on to speak eloquently about the way globalisation is stratifying societies around the world.

Okay, that’s enough. The whole thing is just a differently-detailed version of the Rolling Stone article about the pair. Gah, it’s 5:12 a.m., and I haven’t slept yet.