Philadelphia, PA

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is incredibly annoying.

So, nothing exciting nor funny is happening in Philadelphia. Instead of posting an article about a depressing officers death or how bad our economy is, we’re going to take a little trip over to Cincinnati.

Police in Middletown made a rather bizarre arrest Monday night, taking into custody a woman dressed in a cow suit who was seen acting erratically.

Michelle Allen of Middletown was arrested on one count of disorderly conduct for allegedly getting in the way of traffic on Wilbraham Road and chasing children in her cow suit. (LMAO!)
She also urinated on a neighbor’s front porch, police say.

According to police, Allen talked back and threatened to cause problems in the jail if she was arrested.

Allen appeared in court Tuesday morning dressed in the suit.

It is not clear why she was wearing the costume.

…Now that just made my day.

This past Saturday night, Tina Fey recreated her role of Sarah Palin!

Uh oh!

So what has the Enquirer discovered this time?

That Palin did have an affair with an individual named Brad Hanson. That’s her husband’s former business partner.

They were both married at a time. And according to reports, three members of Hanson’s family have already sworn, one by affidavit, that Palin and Hanson were having an extramarital affair.

Despite denials from Palin and Hanson, Jim Burdett, a Hanson family insider, has opened up about the family’s secret and even passed a rigorous polygraph test in an effort to reveal the truth, that the affair did take place.

Burdett says, “I’ve known about Brad having had an affair for a long time, but it wasn’t until just recently that I learned his affair was with Sarah Palin. Sarah was elected mayor of Wasilla, Brad became a city council member in the nearby town of Palmer, and they started an affair. Todd found out about the affair and was so mad he broke up their partnership at the snowmobile dealership.”

Another source, who’s remaining anonymous but has given a sworn affidavit as well, is saying, “Todd was away on business a lot and Sarah felt lonely. Brad was a good listener, and Sarah talked to him at length. Eventually, she real ized she was falling in love with him. When Todd got back from one of his trips, Sarah told him that she had begun to have feelings for Brad.”

I wonder if McCain’s campaign is going to take action against this.

I was wondering around Yahoo! Answers and came across this. It has made my day.

So, what’s this cat that everyone is talking about? Dan Lieberman claims that Prince Chunk is a celebrity, and “sources” are making claims that this cat is being stalked by the paparazzi. How the hell have I not heard about this cat until now?

After reading these two articles: “Super Chunk! Pretty kitty nearly purr-fect” and “Prince Chunk finally gets a new home, and a clean bill of health“, I have learned a few things.

- This ten-year-old cat has the teeth of a seven-year-old.

- Seriously, this cat has beautiful teeth. They mention it like four times.

- Humans are complete assholes: 500 people applied to adopt Prince Chunk, but when they were told other animals needed homes too, most just said, “Fuck you, I want Prince Chunk!”

- Prince Chunk hates Monday’s, but loves lasagna.

- The national standard for celebrity status has been seriously lowered over the past few years.

[Inquirer - Super Chunk! Pretty kitty nearly purr-fect]

[Daily News - Prince Chunk finally gets a new home, and a clean bill of health]

Hah, people in Gloucester County are suffering from a wild boar invasion.

As many as 100 feral swine are ripping up golf courses, rooting through flower farms and generally making a mess of things in the swamps, forests and fields of Gloucester County. Thought to be descendants of domestic hogs freed from pens at least a decade ago, the belligerent boars have mentally and physically regressed and are no longer the familiar pink porkers slopping it up on lazy little farms. [...] “They eat anything, endangering rare plants and degrading the habitat. They compete with native wildlife, eating the eggs of ground nesting birds like quail and turkeys,” said Lawrence Herrighty of the state Division of Fish and Wildlife.
Feral pigs have been declared one of the most destructive invasive species on the planet, and the federal government estimates about 6 million of the animals are digging up crops and making mud wallows of sensitive vernal pools, where rare reptiles and amphibians reproduce. They also are reservoirs for a host of diseases that impact domestic livestock, wildlife and even humans.

“They are a threat to wildlife, agriculture and landowners,” Herrighty said. “They have to be eradicated.”

Under a contract finalized in April with environmental officials and the state Department of Agriculture, federal biologists began trapping, testing and killing the hogs in June but so far have bagged only three.

I wanna’ go check this out. Who wants to come with?

Catherine Lucey sends the joyous news that Jack Kelly’s chief of staff has been indicted, along with three other developers. The local developers were not able to appear in funny photo’s though. I know, big let down.

It’s the case of the nonexistent ninja.

Public schools in Barnegat, NJ were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.

Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.

Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.

The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.

Oh, kids.

Bill Cosby’s hip-hop CD comes out soon, and boy is the nation excited! The Cos(by) gave an interview to Ukee Washington, who irritatingly kept calling him “Dr. Cosby.”

Cosby told kids to put down guns and get real jobs by going to Community College. And look what you can do afterward!

“You can become a mechanic, what kind of mechanic? Air-conditioning? Listen, think about that. You can charge 75 dollars just for showing up, not having the parts and saying you’ll be back! That’s a lot of money!”

Hey, kids, put down the guns and you can get a job as an unreliable mechanic everyone hates! Thanks, Dr. Cosby. We can’t wait to hear what else you have to say.

Skeletor hosts the Karaoke Gong Show at the Troc. Singing are Erin Evans of West Chester (hat) and Amy Sullivan of Conshohocken (horns).

Frankly, this caption is way better without the photo. Also, this story features a quote from Michael Andrews, formerly known as Couzin Ed (he’s on the radio in Vice City!): “When you play Rock Band at home, it’s like just singing in the shower. When you play Rock Band in a bar, it is a real gig.” I’m going to set up Mario Kart at a racetrack.

And, yes, Larry West is quoted in this article. If I didn’t suck at games like Rock Band (and Guitar Hero, and DDR, and Simon, and any of those ‘follow and/or memorize the pattern’ games), who knows - I probably would’ve been quoted, too.

Let’s Play! (Inquirer)