Philadelphia, PA

Armed police finally ended a ninety minute siege at a bank, only to discover that they’d been in a tense stand-off with a cardboard cutout.

The cops raced to the PNC Bank in Montgomery Township, New Jersey, last Thursday when an alarm went off. Upon seeing the silhouette of a person in the window of the bank, with the blinds drawn, they promptly sealed off the area and evacuated nearby buildings.

There then followed a nervous hour and a half confrontation as authorities attempted to make contact with the shadowy figure.

…are you kidding me?! We’re battling war(s), in a recession, and you’re chasing a cardboard cutout?

“I drove in the parking lot and see all these guys with guns,” local resident Ross Stout told the Star-Ledger newspaper.

After ninety minutes of fruitless attempts to negotiate with the figure using bullhorns and telephones, the police sent in a SWAT team – who discovered that the suspected criminal was actually a life-sized cardboard cutout of a person.

(Via the Metro.)

So, look, the New York Times has a little fun election map up, and you can zoom in on Pennsylvania and be like, “Wait, Obama won Carbon County?! Hell yea!” Then you can spend the night (or day) laughing, laughing, and laughing at John McCain ’til your lungs get tired.

Just in case you are wondering, Barack Obama received 3,185,991 votes, and John McCain received 2,585,480 votes. 61,416 other votes were for other candidates.

Facts about the prank call:

1. Canadian comic duo Masked Avengers prank call Sarah Palin.
2. Duo has radio show on Quebec CKOI.
3. Convinced Palin she was talking to French president, Nicolas Sarkozy.
4. Prank interview runs around 6 minutes.

This wasn’t the only stupid crap that the Phillies fans did…

John McCain: “Rates were cunt in the Bush years.”

This obviously means that you’re going to have a good Friday morning.

Great laugh for a Thursday morning. This guys a moron.

Here’s something to cheer you up on a Sunday morning…

Oh geeze…

A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator’s lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn’t properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Senator Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

Are you freakin’ serious?

The Senator said that God had made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”

The Senator said that he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

…what?

Suit against God thrown out over lack of address - Yahoo! News.

As we told you last week, Sarah Palin was invited by the owner of the Philadelphia Flyers to drop the ceremonial first puck at the Flyers’ season opener this past weekend.

How did it go for her? Well - she was boo’d. We all new this was going to happen right?

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is incredibly annoying.

So, nothing exciting nor funny is happening in Philadelphia. Instead of posting an article about a depressing officers death or how bad our economy is, we’re going to take a little trip over to Cincinnati.

Police in Middletown made a rather bizarre arrest Monday night, taking into custody a woman dressed in a cow suit who was seen acting erratically.

Michelle Allen of Middletown was arrested on one count of disorderly conduct for allegedly getting in the way of traffic on Wilbraham Road and chasing children in her cow suit. (LMAO!)
She also urinated on a neighbor’s front porch, police say.

According to police, Allen talked back and threatened to cause problems in the jail if she was arrested.

Allen appeared in court Tuesday morning dressed in the suit.

It is not clear why she was wearing the costume.

…Now that just made my day.

This past Saturday night, Tina Fey recreated her role of Sarah Palin!

Uh oh!

So what has the Enquirer discovered this time?

That Palin did have an affair with an individual named Brad Hanson. That’s her husband’s former business partner.

They were both married at a time. And according to reports, three members of Hanson’s family have already sworn, one by affidavit, that Palin and Hanson were having an extramarital affair.

Despite denials from Palin and Hanson, Jim Burdett, a Hanson family insider, has opened up about the family’s secret and even passed a rigorous polygraph test in an effort to reveal the truth, that the affair did take place.

Burdett says, “I’ve known about Brad having had an affair for a long time, but it wasn’t until just recently that I learned his affair was with Sarah Palin. Sarah was elected mayor of Wasilla, Brad became a city council member in the nearby town of Palmer, and they started an affair. Todd found out about the affair and was so mad he broke up their partnership at the snowmobile dealership.”

Another source, who’s remaining anonymous but has given a sworn affidavit as well, is saying, “Todd was away on business a lot and Sarah felt lonely. Brad was a good listener, and Sarah talked to him at length. Eventually, she real ized she was falling in love with him. When Todd got back from one of his trips, Sarah told him that she had begun to have feelings for Brad.”

I wonder if McCain’s campaign is going to take action against this.

I was wondering around Yahoo! Answers and came across this. It has made my day.

So, what’s this cat that everyone is talking about? Dan Lieberman claims that Prince Chunk is a celebrity, and “sources” are making claims that this cat is being stalked by the paparazzi. How the hell have I not heard about this cat until now?

After reading these two articles: “Super Chunk! Pretty kitty nearly purr-fect” and “Prince Chunk finally gets a new home, and a clean bill of health“, I have learned a few things.

- This ten-year-old cat has the teeth of a seven-year-old.

- Seriously, this cat has beautiful teeth. They mention it like four times.

- Humans are complete assholes: 500 people applied to adopt Prince Chunk, but when they were told other animals needed homes too, most just said, “Fuck you, I want Prince Chunk!”

- Prince Chunk hates Monday’s, but loves lasagna.

- The national standard for celebrity status has been seriously lowered over the past few years.

[Inquirer - Super Chunk! Pretty kitty nearly purr-fect]

[Daily News - Prince Chunk finally gets a new home, and a clean bill of health]